So as of recently, there have been some rather stark truths come to light. First off, my ego has been huge. I have thought that my experience in Nicaragua was not only great but made me entitled. I felt entitled to lead the next trip, which is wrong. I do not have the humility to lead a group of ten people with the knowledge that they could possibly end up hating me. I suppose that I am concerned with what people think a bit, but what I really think the deal is, is that I don't want to sacrifice like a leader unless I am the leader. I felt that I did that on this last trip and I didn't feel that was fair.
Another truth that has come to light, is that I am a very jealous person. Recently a friend of mine has stopped hanging out with me and my roommate. There were some romantic/relational issues between them that went down, but I feel that it was unfair in that he no longer hangs out with me and any contact I have with him is very superficial. And now he is dating a 19 year old. It makes me feel awkward and like me and my roommate are replaceable. This is also my insecurities coming in.
The last thing that has kind of struck me is the fact that I am lonely. I want to be held, but I am stubborn in the fact that I want to stay single. I am not fighting love, I am not fighting my feelings for a guy, because I don't currently have any. But I am lonely. I don't know how to handle some of this emotional want/"I think I need." I think I am in a place where a relationship would be nice, but I don't want it. I am busy with school and with the fact that my dad is sick, it wouldn't be fair to a guy that I am dating. I figure I would end up dependent on him instead of God and that's not right. I have to constantly remind myself that I am waiting for a reason, for God.
So those are my truths, but what do I do? I can sort of change my attitude towards some of these things. I have already been praying about it and asking God to show me what it is that I need to learn from this. But what now?
What will be the next step?
