It's funny how much we need people in our lives. We need friends, family and so much more. And we each interact differently. We each need that different interaction, that different touch, different way of conversation and that different way of engaging with people. I realized today, as dumb as this sounds, I miss being hugged in a certain way. I miss the strong embrace of a man. Let's just be simple. I have been single for four years. Three of them I haven't really interacted with guys in a way that suggests romantic interest. The last date I went on was two years ago. EPIC FAIL! Now I am still single, still waiting for that man who is strong, and who will demand my attention (not in a forceful way). I know that God made me a strong and independent woman, I have been that way since I was a child and my life experience has enforced that even more. What gets me is there doesn't seem to be a man who wants that type of girl. I haven't met him yet at least so I can't talk. I just feel depressed and sad and anxious and oh man do I feel lonely. I hate it! I hate feeling isolated. I no longer have a close guy friend. I no longer have that friend who greets me with a big bear hug. I so want that. Here I am lonely. Surrounded by people in relationships, people who are being pursued by strong Christians and people who are married. Where the heck am I supposed to go? Lonely Island?
Pity party for myself. But I needed it. Now the truth. I want male attention. I want to be in a relationship and I am impatient. I am jealous that people seem to be finding that person that balances them out. I am upset I don't have a fall back. I am surprised I just wrote that last part, but I still think it. I hope that I never have to settle. I hope that I can find that man. I just hate feeling sorry for myself, yet it seems to be a weekly ritual. I feel sorry for myself once or twice or maybe every day of the week. I have at least one break down and I usually cry a couple times a day. AHHH... Who would want to date this unstable girl? Wouldn't it be better if I was put together and collected. Wouldn't my future husband want a woman who doesn't cry everyday, who's family isn't on the brink of falling apart? Wouldn't a man want a perfect girl? I am not her. No where near perfect. Not close. I feel that I have issues dealing with male authority. I have issues trusting men not to let me down or desert me. I struggle to understand myself a majority of the time, so why would I find that man now, if I don't even know where I am. I am a snot. I don't think there are some men who are good enough. I want a strong Christian man. A man who isn't afraid to ask the hard questions, who will challenge me in my faith, closer to God. A man who isn't afraid of being challenged by his girl. A man who knows that he wants to serve God. Because I want what little I know about myself and what would be good for me. THat's it.
The rest is questionable...
Sunday, April 3, 2011
No words can describe... yet I try
I am really struggling to express how I am feeling. I am sad. I am overwhelmed with joy and yet I want to cry. I don't know why. Last night I got done with a fundraiser for a friend. This is a friend that at one point I had feelings for. Since then he has dated and broken up with my old roommate and moved to Nicaragua. His heart is good, but like everyone he isn't perfect. For some reason last night I drove away from the bowling alley ready to cry. I was overwhelmed, maybe discouraged a bit. I guess I expected more from friends to come support Luke. I may also be influenced by some recent events.
On Thursday, my friend told me that he had been asked to help co-lead a trip to Nicaragua. Both the guys have been to Nicaragua, however, I have been there more times, have organized all the fundraisers, have personal relationships with most of the kids and staff and I have a better understanding of the culture. I have to tell myself over and over that it is not my time to lead a trip. I should not be leading a team. But I can not help but feel hurt and like the situation is unfair. I really appreciated the fact that my friend told me he felt like God wanted him to do it and he asked for my blessing. I needed that. But I still feel like men are more favored at my church, that I am under valued and that the last trip, I got stuck with a lot of the responsibilities of a leader unknowingly and it was unfair. I have to keep in mind that the sacrifice is worth it so others can benefit, but I wonder how much it takes out of me. A lot of the time I feel like I put a lot of work into certain things. I am trying to into the mindset that giving is giving and when you give you shouldn't expect anything in return. I think I generally do a good job of just giving. But from time to time I wonder who would do some of the stuff I do, if I quit. I am also struggling to figure out if I should go to Nicaragua in July. I want my motives to be pure and God-led. I want to be an addition, not hinder the growth and overall harmony of the next team. Why is it so hard? Why is Nicaragua a constant struggle for me?
Why do I feel lonely and why is that such a struggle? I have to constantly tell myself that God has so much for me. So much. But why in the mean time do I feel abandoned and angry with my Father? Why must I fight myself everyday until He says, "Stop!"
I just want to stop feeling so much hurt. I am overwhelmed with how my dad's health is declining and how I feel a void of hope within that part of my life. I just want to feel hopeful, optimistic and full of joy. Why is that so hard?
So I suppose what I feel is hard to describe, but I am trying to comprehend it. I am trying to put to words the way I feel cheated and hopeless.
On Thursday, my friend told me that he had been asked to help co-lead a trip to Nicaragua. Both the guys have been to Nicaragua, however, I have been there more times, have organized all the fundraisers, have personal relationships with most of the kids and staff and I have a better understanding of the culture. I have to tell myself over and over that it is not my time to lead a trip. I should not be leading a team. But I can not help but feel hurt and like the situation is unfair. I really appreciated the fact that my friend told me he felt like God wanted him to do it and he asked for my blessing. I needed that. But I still feel like men are more favored at my church, that I am under valued and that the last trip, I got stuck with a lot of the responsibilities of a leader unknowingly and it was unfair. I have to keep in mind that the sacrifice is worth it so others can benefit, but I wonder how much it takes out of me. A lot of the time I feel like I put a lot of work into certain things. I am trying to into the mindset that giving is giving and when you give you shouldn't expect anything in return. I think I generally do a good job of just giving. But from time to time I wonder who would do some of the stuff I do, if I quit. I am also struggling to figure out if I should go to Nicaragua in July. I want my motives to be pure and God-led. I want to be an addition, not hinder the growth and overall harmony of the next team. Why is it so hard? Why is Nicaragua a constant struggle for me?
Why do I feel lonely and why is that such a struggle? I have to constantly tell myself that God has so much for me. So much. But why in the mean time do I feel abandoned and angry with my Father? Why must I fight myself everyday until He says, "Stop!"
I just want to stop feeling so much hurt. I am overwhelmed with how my dad's health is declining and how I feel a void of hope within that part of my life. I just want to feel hopeful, optimistic and full of joy. Why is that so hard?
So I suppose what I feel is hard to describe, but I am trying to comprehend it. I am trying to put to words the way I feel cheated and hopeless.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)