For some reason, tonight was particularly painful. I have dealt with pain in the past, but tonight I faced it in several aspects. The first was the reunion of several friends. I got to hear wonderful stories and catch up for lost time. Which was great, but soon very evident that I still had feeling for someone. This has been hard since I gave up on the friendship developing into something more over the summer. His lack of interest was painful to deal with but I got over it... until tonight when I found myself listening to his conversation with someone else. I do not know how to deal with this at the moment. There are so many friends of mine that interest him more than I. Again this is me dealing with rejection from the past. I also had to face my ex-boyfriend and the guy that was heartbroken over last year. As weird as this may sound, I can not put my heart in jeopardy much longer. I want to just be done hurting and going through this crap that consumes my life! I am on the brink. I understand that part of my emotions have been influenced by my depression, the other due to high stress and the rest hormones. However I do not care. This is what I feel. I am tired of feeling like this all the time. Sad, angry, overwhelmed and overtaken. When will life just even out?
Now I go into the part where I try and rationalize the struggle. I know that if I wasn't going through pain now, I would later. Also God needs me to learn something during this mess. If I were to meet the love of my life tomorrow I would not be able to appreciate him as much unless I went through this struggle and understood what God wanted specifically for me. I need to wait on Him and see where it goes from there. God needs to be my one and only for the time being. And although I may long for a man who encourages me and challenges me to do better, I know that in waiting, I will be able to treasure him that much more.
If none of this is true, I plan on suing those people who say it is. BAH!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
The girl that I am...
I dunno why but today I got a little depressed. I guess, this business of being single can get a little hard and torturous. I started thinking about all of the possibilities that have come my way over the last couple of years. When it comes down to it, I know I am not the average girl. Not that this is necessarily bad, but it can be frustrating for me. I know I am strong-willed, I take on the position of leader a lot, and to some this could be controlling. I don't know exactly what I think but I know that I have been put in the position as the "always-a-friend-never-the-girlfriend." I know that for some guys, the fact that I am so independent can be unnerving and somewhat intimidating.
Over the past four years, I have become the mediator between couples, the little sister, the matchmaker, "one of the guys," and of course the fallback. Never have I really ever enjoyed these terms. I get fed up with the fact that so many of my guy friends look at girls and say,"that's a girl I would go out with." What about me? Am I too strong? Am I one of those girls that just never seems to spark interest in a guy? Do I send the wrong vibes? Is it wrong that I am independent? That I don't need someone to rescue me? What is it that turns me from being a potential girlfriend into the "just a friend?"
I suppose every girl goes through a period of time like this. But I feel like I have been going through this season for far too long. I know that I am picky, that I will not settle for just any guy. I know that he has to be a Christ follower and moving in the same direction as I am. But why does it seem that every guy I like, that I have a remote interest in, goes for the girl that is the opposite of me?
I realize that by asking questions I am not doing myself any favors. I am hindering my growth, cutting myself down and bringing self pity on. However, parts of me feel entitled. Recently, as in the last six months, my little sister got engaged. My first reaction was, ok, cool. But the more she started talking the more I realized the guy she is marrying doesn't truly care for her and that she is in love with the idea of love and having a wedding. She continued throughout the next couple of months asking me how it feels to know that my younger sister was getting married before me. She also started becoming a bridezilla and telling me that I can't understand her level of stress because I don't know what it's like planning a wedding or getting ready for marriage. The problem with her insults is that she doesn't understand the bridges she has been burning amongst the family. Although I love her, I see the damage and the pain she has caused many family members. To this, I can only think that I do not wish to get married under such circumstances. I hope that when I am married, I am loved by the man, that my family sees the love that we share with one another and that I may see the love my family has for him and vice versa.
So although I am the "friend and never the girlfriend," I would rather continue to be so if that meant a better relationship down the road. Even as I sit here a little hurt, a little crushed by my status to so many people, I realize that things could be worse. I could be known as "the girl no one wants to be around because she breaks so many hearts," or "the girl that nobody knows." So for now, I will look at the place God has me in, and breathe. I will focus on the positive. I will focus on the essentials and how I can better serve Him in this position. Because sometimes, all you can be is that girl.
Over the past four years, I have become the mediator between couples, the little sister, the matchmaker, "one of the guys," and of course the fallback. Never have I really ever enjoyed these terms. I get fed up with the fact that so many of my guy friends look at girls and say,"that's a girl I would go out with." What about me? Am I too strong? Am I one of those girls that just never seems to spark interest in a guy? Do I send the wrong vibes? Is it wrong that I am independent? That I don't need someone to rescue me? What is it that turns me from being a potential girlfriend into the "just a friend?"
I suppose every girl goes through a period of time like this. But I feel like I have been going through this season for far too long. I know that I am picky, that I will not settle for just any guy. I know that he has to be a Christ follower and moving in the same direction as I am. But why does it seem that every guy I like, that I have a remote interest in, goes for the girl that is the opposite of me?
I realize that by asking questions I am not doing myself any favors. I am hindering my growth, cutting myself down and bringing self pity on. However, parts of me feel entitled. Recently, as in the last six months, my little sister got engaged. My first reaction was, ok, cool. But the more she started talking the more I realized the guy she is marrying doesn't truly care for her and that she is in love with the idea of love and having a wedding. She continued throughout the next couple of months asking me how it feels to know that my younger sister was getting married before me. She also started becoming a bridezilla and telling me that I can't understand her level of stress because I don't know what it's like planning a wedding or getting ready for marriage. The problem with her insults is that she doesn't understand the bridges she has been burning amongst the family. Although I love her, I see the damage and the pain she has caused many family members. To this, I can only think that I do not wish to get married under such circumstances. I hope that when I am married, I am loved by the man, that my family sees the love that we share with one another and that I may see the love my family has for him and vice versa.
So although I am the "friend and never the girlfriend," I would rather continue to be so if that meant a better relationship down the road. Even as I sit here a little hurt, a little crushed by my status to so many people, I realize that things could be worse. I could be known as "the girl no one wants to be around because she breaks so many hearts," or "the girl that nobody knows." So for now, I will look at the place God has me in, and breathe. I will focus on the positive. I will focus on the essentials and how I can better serve Him in this position. Because sometimes, all you can be is that girl.
Do do do... the season of doing
Finals... Oy!
I started this month with the thought that yes, it is good. I soon realized how much more I need to DO before the month is over. I have finals, like thousands of other students in my town. I have to raise money for a missions trip like countless others across the country. I have to get prepared for a wedding and the millions of other things on my to do list. But what is this season really about?
So often we get preoccupied by the things we have to do before we can actually enjoy our time. I am currently preoccupied with the fact I need to buy dog food, go do laundry and check up on some dogs I will soon be watching over the weekend. Not only am I preoccupied, I am overwhelmed with the feeling I can not get all of this done. Maybe the stuff for today, but what about tomorrow? What about the next day and the next week and so on and so forth. It is hard not to think about all the stuff we have to do.
I know that currently, life is not all that hard. It's in the moments that I forget what I am really supposed to do. I listen, but sometimes I drown it all out. I wait, but sometimes I can not hear the stillness that is God. If you think about it, this is the season of Martha. Very one is too busy, too stubborn and too difficult to realize that we need to slow down and wait at His feet in order to enjoy the holidays. I want to have a MARY Christmas this year. Not a Martha Christmas. Although if I get things done in the process, I won't mind.
I started this month with the thought that yes, it is good. I soon realized how much more I need to DO before the month is over. I have finals, like thousands of other students in my town. I have to raise money for a missions trip like countless others across the country. I have to get prepared for a wedding and the millions of other things on my to do list. But what is this season really about?
So often we get preoccupied by the things we have to do before we can actually enjoy our time. I am currently preoccupied with the fact I need to buy dog food, go do laundry and check up on some dogs I will soon be watching over the weekend. Not only am I preoccupied, I am overwhelmed with the feeling I can not get all of this done. Maybe the stuff for today, but what about tomorrow? What about the next day and the next week and so on and so forth. It is hard not to think about all the stuff we have to do.
I know that currently, life is not all that hard. It's in the moments that I forget what I am really supposed to do. I listen, but sometimes I drown it all out. I wait, but sometimes I can not hear the stillness that is God. If you think about it, this is the season of Martha. Very one is too busy, too stubborn and too difficult to realize that we need to slow down and wait at His feet in order to enjoy the holidays. I want to have a MARY Christmas this year. Not a Martha Christmas. Although if I get things done in the process, I won't mind.
Monday, November 29, 2010
the oddity of restlessness
Tonight I face a certain unknown feeling of restlessness. I have things to do tomorrow and throughout the week and for some strange reason I am stuck. I am stressed and overwhelmed as I try to figure out how to give it up to God. With finals closely approaching, my trip to Nicaragua looming and my sister's wedding to attend, I feel at a loss for how to manage my time well.
Earlier today I faced a simple problem that a quickly dealt with. I got locked out of my car, no phone and in the parking lot of Hobby Lobby. I was able to call a locksmith who showed up promptly and had me in my car within 30 minutes. I definitely didn't like spending the 45 bucks to get in my car but in the end it was worth it. Sometimes, I wonder if we are all locked out of our cars and have to helplessly turn to someone else to help us get to back in. Sometimes the cost is outrageous but you know you have to pay it in order to have the locksmith jimmy the lock. Right now, I feel locked out of the security and safety of a peaceful life. Don't get me wrong, even the better ones have bumps and the A/C doesn't always work, but I feel like I have been locked out for quite sometime. I call on God and comes and unlocks the door, but before He can fix it all, I have to endure the 30 minutes out in the cold waiting and knowing that whatever it takes to get in will be worth it.
I seriously hope that tomorrow I will be able to relax a bit and focus on something a bit more important. Until then I wait restlessly.
Earlier today I faced a simple problem that a quickly dealt with. I got locked out of my car, no phone and in the parking lot of Hobby Lobby. I was able to call a locksmith who showed up promptly and had me in my car within 30 minutes. I definitely didn't like spending the 45 bucks to get in my car but in the end it was worth it. Sometimes, I wonder if we are all locked out of our cars and have to helplessly turn to someone else to help us get to back in. Sometimes the cost is outrageous but you know you have to pay it in order to have the locksmith jimmy the lock. Right now, I feel locked out of the security and safety of a peaceful life. Don't get me wrong, even the better ones have bumps and the A/C doesn't always work, but I feel like I have been locked out for quite sometime. I call on God and comes and unlocks the door, but before He can fix it all, I have to endure the 30 minutes out in the cold waiting and knowing that whatever it takes to get in will be worth it.
I seriously hope that tomorrow I will be able to relax a bit and focus on something a bit more important. Until then I wait restlessly.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)