The girl that I am...

I dunno why but today I got a little depressed. I guess, this business of being single can get a little hard and torturous. I started thinking about all of the possibilities that have come my way over the last couple of years. When it comes down to it, I know I am not the average girl. Not that this is necessarily bad, but it can be frustrating for me. I know I am strong-willed, I take on the position of leader a lot, and to some this could be controlling. I don't know exactly what I think but I know that I have been put in the position as the "always-a-friend-never-the-girlfriend." I know that for some guys, the fact that I am so independent can be unnerving and somewhat intimidating.

Over the past four years, I have become the mediator between couples, the little sister, the matchmaker, "one of the guys," and of course the fallback. Never have I really ever enjoyed these terms. I get fed up with the fact that so many of my guy friends look at girls and say,"that's a girl I would go out with." What about me? Am I too strong? Am I one of those girls that just never seems to spark interest in a guy? Do I send the wrong vibes? Is it wrong that I am independent? That I don't need someone to rescue me? What is it that turns me from being a potential girlfriend into the "just a friend?"

I suppose every girl goes through a period of time like this. But I feel like I have been going through this season for far too long. I know that I am picky, that I will not settle for just any guy. I know that he has to be a Christ follower and moving in the same direction as I am. But why does it seem that every guy I like, that I have a remote interest in, goes for the girl that is the opposite of me?

I realize that by asking questions I am not doing myself any favors. I am hindering my growth, cutting myself down and bringing self pity on. However, parts of me feel entitled. Recently, as in the last six months, my little sister got engaged. My first reaction was, ok, cool. But the more she started talking the more I realized the guy she is marrying doesn't truly care for her and that she is in love with the idea of love and having a wedding. She continued throughout the next couple of months asking me how it feels to know that my younger sister was getting married before me. She also started becoming a bridezilla and telling me that I can't understand her level of stress because I don't know what it's like planning a wedding or getting ready for marriage. The problem with her insults is that she doesn't understand the bridges she has been burning amongst the family. Although I love her, I see the damage and the pain she has caused many family members. To this, I can only think that I do not wish to get married under such circumstances. I hope that when I am married, I am loved by the man, that my family sees the love that we share with one another and that I may see the love my family has for him and vice versa.

So although I am the "friend and never the girlfriend," I would rather continue to be so if that meant a better relationship down the road. Even as I sit here a little hurt, a little crushed by my status to so many people, I realize that things could be worse. I could be known as "the girl no one wants to be around because she breaks so many hearts," or "the girl that nobody knows." So for now, I will look at the place God has me in, and breathe. I will focus on the positive. I will focus on the essentials and how I can better serve Him in this position. Because sometimes, all you can be is that girl.