For some reason, tonight was particularly painful. I have dealt with pain in the past, but tonight I faced it in several aspects. The first was the reunion of several friends. I got to hear wonderful stories and catch up for lost time. Which was great, but soon very evident that I still had feeling for someone. This has been hard since I gave up on the friendship developing into something more over the summer. His lack of interest was painful to deal with but I got over it... until tonight when I found myself listening to his conversation with someone else. I do not know how to deal with this at the moment. There are so many friends of mine that interest him more than I. Again this is me dealing with rejection from the past. I also had to face my ex-boyfriend and the guy that was heartbroken over last year. As weird as this may sound, I can not put my heart in jeopardy much longer. I want to just be done hurting and going through this crap that consumes my life! I am on the brink. I understand that part of my emotions have been influenced by my depression, the other due to high stress and the rest hormones. However I do not care. This is what I feel. I am tired of feeling like this all the time. Sad, angry, overwhelmed and overtaken. When will life just even out?
Now I go into the part where I try and rationalize the struggle. I know that if I wasn't going through pain now, I would later. Also God needs me to learn something during this mess. If I were to meet the love of my life tomorrow I would not be able to appreciate him as much unless I went through this struggle and understood what God wanted specifically for me. I need to wait on Him and see where it goes from there. God needs to be my one and only for the time being. And although I may long for a man who encourages me and challenges me to do better, I know that in waiting, I will be able to treasure him that much more.
If none of this is true, I plan on suing those people who say it is. BAH!
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