I am realizing, especially since I confessed it tonight at my small group that I am putting off some much needed communication with my one and only. I am sad. I am angry. I am tired and I feel like I have been through a whole lot in a short amount of time. I don't want to talk about my most recent loss. I don't want it to be reality. I don't want to cry because I have a feeling it won't stop there. I have been somewhat numb for the past week and a half. I also feel that in order to keep going, I have to keep putting off this conversation with God. So the numbness may continue. I shed a tear here and there, but it's not the full waterworks that I know is necessary to mourn, to process and to heal. It's the faucet leaking. Just enough to relieve the pressure for the moment.
So my grieving is on the back burner. But this got me to thinking, what else am I putting off until later? I haven't fully processed my transfer to CSU. I figure it will be one of those things that I will just wake up one day and be used to it. But I have a fear that if I don't get my stuff in order, I may end up overwhelming myself. I also think that some of my past hurt is starting to burst at the seams, slowly trickling out and getting in the way. Stuff I thought I was done with, but apparently I had just put it on the back burner.
Jealousy, rage, frustration, anger, sadness, grief, pain, the need of forgiveness and the need to give it, these are all things I have put off, or assumed I was finished with. The thing is, nothing is quite over. Nothing is really done until you have the "talk" with The One and Only. So, I am preparing for the "talk" and the series that will need to take place in the next several months. Tonight a friend challenged me to dedicate this semester to myself. Not to serving others, but to myself. Towards healing and finding the purpose my One and Only has for me. Searching for only God knows what and finding the beauty in my relationship with Him.
Crazy, 3 months. To myself. What would that look like?
Times like these are difficult, when you have so much to process that it seems crushing. But they are critical. So, take the time to just let yourself be... I think your friend was right. You do need to take this semester for yourself. Gain perspective. Gain personal insight. Gain self-reliance and the virtues of self-reflection. None of those are easy or always pleasant. But well worth it...and will help you have the "talk" with an open and honest heart.
ReplyDeleteAgreed with Erin - couldn't have said it better. Culture within America and the American church may not always seem to be encouraging you to take time for yourself - but sometimes, we need to retreat with our Lord, our One and Only and just be...be still and know Him and who we are in Him. It's valuable and worth the effort. My prayers and support are with you dear friend.
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