Time to Process

For the last several weeks, I have been in process. Processing my trip to Nicaragua and what it is that God is sharing with me. Processing the various struggles I went through and how I dealt with them at that very moment. Processing and grieving my grandfather's death. Processing what God is calling me to do next.

I feel at peace when I go to Nicaragua. I feel closer to the heart of God. I don't feel distracted by the wants and needs of our culture as much. I feel like I am centered in an environment of love and that I truly feel the joy of God and His peace. Now it's not always perfect. I feel tormented by the enemy in many ways. I listen to his lies unknowingly and I do tend to feel the attacks take a toll on my body. I feel low in energy, sickly and the need to sleep overwhelms me. Not to mention the dreams I have haunt me for at least a day or two. But despite the negative, I still feel that Arms of Love, Nicaragua is where I am supposed to be.

My first couple of days I was there I struggled to feel 100%. I felt sick, nauseous and really tired. I slept a lot. One day I went to bed early woke up the next day at 10 and took a nap shortly after lunch for three hours. I slept a lot. I was still able to participate in some activities and help out here and there but not to my full capacity. I started to doubt my usefulness, heck, my reason for being there.

When the team arrived, I noticed that the three girls, who had been with me during my six previous days, and I had a routine. The team came and all seemed lost. We were placed into a situation, where we needed to flex to them. The kids were placed in that situation as well. I started getting frustrated by the end of that first day. I noticed that only certain individuals, including myself, were doing dishes and helping with daily chores. I also noticed how the staff had to compensate for the disorder left by the activities the team did. Leadership was confusing. When Kaeli and I were put in charge of day one afternoon activity, we were ready. However, we weren't given complete authority over our activity. When we arranged teams according to who we thought would work best together, we did it with purpose. One of the older girls tried to switch teams because she didn't like the color. Our team leader told her it was ok. That was not the truth of the matter. We had specific reasons for the choices we made. Soon after I had to take a break because I needed space. I needed a break from the chaos that had be started. The second day wasn't much better. I dealt with more frustration and more responsibilities being tossed in my direction. By day three, when we went to the beach, I let go. I decided that I needed to enjoy this. So I did. I took a nap in a hammock, I went jungle camping and I rested. On Saturday, I was again placed in a position of responsibility that I felt was a little unfair. I had to set up the projector for the movie and it had to be connected to my computer. Well it didnt work but we soon found the solution. Then our team leader left and no one was really in charge. So when half of the team was asleep and the kids were going crazy, I decided we needed to decorate our team flags. So we did. Ended up being somewhat of a bust, but it was still good. Later when we had our movie night, I went to set up the projector and nothing happened. For thirty minutes we turned the projector on and off and plugged and replugged. Nothing happened. So I prayed. I looked at the manual and found nothing. I went back out and was about to tell the kids and my team we had no movie night. Then another girl on my team who had been praying as well, stopped and plugged in another cord. The projector worked. Our movie night was on! Although it worked out, it took total surrender to get there.

The next day we went to Managua and went to church. I enjoyed the worship, the message and the people. After we went to do an outreach, which was fun, but again a whole bunch of responsibility got placed on one person. This one person did great and handled the situation wonderfully. I ended the day with way too much glitter in my hair and my face painted in many colors. It was great.

Now this I think is the time where I talk a bit about a boy I sponsor. He is 19 and a sweetheart. But according to some of the boys, a player. He was once accused of being gay, when he is not. He has since then developed some unhealthy relationships with women. He seeks them in a motherly way and of course, we as women fall for it. What I didn't know is that he has caused some problems in the past with some women from North America. Granted it takes two to make a bad decision. I don't know all the details, I just know it was a problem. On the way home from Managua, this boy was trying to fall asleep on me. Know I consider us close friends, but my friend who has been working with these kids for 8 months, felt the situation was crossing boundaries. I then decided to place space between us. We can still be close friends, the boundaries just need to be more defined.

The next day we went into town, walked around a bit and had a water fight. It was a pretty low-key day and I enjoyed it. Later that night we watched a movie and make bracelets. It was our last night basically with the older girls. After that we had our team meeting and I was looking forward to talking to two friends. I quickly went to check email and found out that my grandfather had passed away suddenly. I needed to change flights to get to New Mexico for the funeral. I was overwhelmed with grief. I cried that night and woke up the next morning with the idea that I needed to be present for the rest of the trip. So on we went to Mombachu for our canopy tour and hike. It was a blast, however I found myself in moments, needing to cry. I didn't feel like anyone really wanted to listen so I kind of kept to myself. Later we walked around Granada and Masaya and Catarina.

When we got back to Arms of Love, we started preparing for the goodbye slide show. Again responsibility got placed on a selected few. We put it together and although we tried to burn it to DVD, it didn't work. Anyway, I had found out my bff of Nicaragua, Angie had just arrived back from staying with her mom. I was busy with slide show stuff and making trophies, but when they started the slide show the two of us got away and talked. I gave her a Christmas present and we just talked. It wasn't enough. But it was worth the time we had.

That night, as the newbies cried about leaving Arms of Love, I went and tucked in my kids for the last time. I gave Allan and Jeffri their pillows that I had made. I watched as they prepared for bed. I gave Allan one last hug, and kissed him goodnight. I sang Keylin to sleep and went to tuck in my little big boy, Jeffri. As I write this my eyes fill with tears. I helped him clean up his room a bit and watched as he lied down to sleep. He was obviously wide awake so I started rubbing his back and humming. I sat there for ten minutes watching his breathing even out. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to be there for him and I still do. Always.

As I headed back down to the team house, I felt a little bitterness towards the team. I didn't get to have the same experience as they did, because I felt like I was constantly going after them and cleaning, or figuring out an activity or something. I didn't feel it was fair. I didn't get to spend all the time I wanted with Angie. I just didn't get that. I know now it's not their fault. I had a choice, but I also felt that pressure had be unfairly placed on my shoulders. I had fun but it's different when everyone contributes to the cause.

When I finally arrived at the house, we had a team meeting. It seemed to last forever. Long silence after long silence. Finally I got up and left. I needed to sleep, to grieve on my own. I didn't mean to fall asleep but I did. I woke up the next day and packed to leave. I showered and cleaned the room. We quickly ate and then Kaeli and I stole away to see Alfredo's family for the last time. I gave Alfredo a journal and we took some photos. I watched as Alfredo's mother, Johanna, cried and embraced Kaeli one last time. I could see the impact she made and the love that she has for Kaeli.

We then ran back to compound and gave out the last hugs of the morning. I held Angie as long as I could. Then we piled in the vans and headed out. We later arrived in Leon. I didn't want to be there. We ate some quesillos and the native drink, Coco Pina (I think that's it). Then we walked around town. I got a massage from a blind guy and then ate ice cream. It was peaceful but I wanted to be with the kids. I didn't want to be where I was. On top of all, I got a cold rather suddenly and was somewhat miserable. We finally left and went back to Las Palmas for the night. It was a brief team meeting and then off to bed. The team was to go to La Chureaca in the morning, while my roommate Alainna and I took a taxi to the airport. So in the morning we packed, ate and were soon loaded into the taxi. We said our goodbyes to the team and were off. We got to the airport and shopped a bit and then went through security. After that we had a toast to Nicaragua. We drank our Victoria beers and reminisced about some of what had happened.

On the plane we talked more and are our lunch. We processed some of what happened and were starting to prepare ourselves for North American life. When we hit Houston, we rushed through customs, had to search for our bags and recheck them and by that time, we had missed our flights. So we took our time, got dinner and waited for Alainna's flight. After that I was on my own. I headed over to my gate, found out it had moved, relocated my gate and found out that it was delayed to 11:50pm. I waited and asked various people if there was anyway I was actually going to get on this flight. By 10 pm, I had a ticket but the flight was still delayed. In the end I got a couple of vouchers and was on my flight to New Mexico.

When I arrived, things were kinda crazy. I was still on my high from my trip, while my family was mourning, or rather, trying not to. I got to see my sister and my cousins as well as my aunts and uncles. I soon found out that I was going to lead the end prayer at the funeral, which I was ok with, but I didn't know how I was going to handle my emotions. I bought clothes for the funeral the next day and got ready. I helped my mom finish her eulogy and we headed over to the restaurant the "celebration" was to be held at. We all cried. We all stammered a bit during the ceremony. I met come of my grandfather's old coworkers, listened to stories about him and how great of a man he was. I listened and cried. I took my cousin's child out for a walk, thinking of my grandfather and how he would take me on walks.

Afterward, I went back up to my uncle's house, packed my bags and we headed over to my grandmother's for dinner before hitting the road. The drive was good, but I felt like I was still avoiding the truth of what just happened. Even as I arrived home, I felt like I wasn't being completely honest with myself.

But processing takes time. I am still processing. I don't want to come back to reality at times, especially when I know it's necessary.