I am really struggling to express how I am feeling. I am sad. I am overwhelmed with joy and yet I want to cry. I don't know why. Last night I got done with a fundraiser for a friend. This is a friend that at one point I had feelings for. Since then he has dated and broken up with my old roommate and moved to Nicaragua. His heart is good, but like everyone he isn't perfect. For some reason last night I drove away from the bowling alley ready to cry. I was overwhelmed, maybe discouraged a bit. I guess I expected more from friends to come support Luke. I may also be influenced by some recent events.
On Thursday, my friend told me that he had been asked to help co-lead a trip to Nicaragua. Both the guys have been to Nicaragua, however, I have been there more times, have organized all the fundraisers, have personal relationships with most of the kids and staff and I have a better understanding of the culture. I have to tell myself over and over that it is not my time to lead a trip. I should not be leading a team. But I can not help but feel hurt and like the situation is unfair. I really appreciated the fact that my friend told me he felt like God wanted him to do it and he asked for my blessing. I needed that. But I still feel like men are more favored at my church, that I am under valued and that the last trip, I got stuck with a lot of the responsibilities of a leader unknowingly and it was unfair. I have to keep in mind that the sacrifice is worth it so others can benefit, but I wonder how much it takes out of me. A lot of the time I feel like I put a lot of work into certain things. I am trying to into the mindset that giving is giving and when you give you shouldn't expect anything in return. I think I generally do a good job of just giving. But from time to time I wonder who would do some of the stuff I do, if I quit. I am also struggling to figure out if I should go to Nicaragua in July. I want my motives to be pure and God-led. I want to be an addition, not hinder the growth and overall harmony of the next team. Why is it so hard? Why is Nicaragua a constant struggle for me?
Why do I feel lonely and why is that such a struggle? I have to constantly tell myself that God has so much for me. So much. But why in the mean time do I feel abandoned and angry with my Father? Why must I fight myself everyday until He says, "Stop!"
I just want to stop feeling so much hurt. I am overwhelmed with how my dad's health is declining and how I feel a void of hope within that part of my life. I just want to feel hopeful, optimistic and full of joy. Why is that so hard?
So I suppose what I feel is hard to describe, but I am trying to comprehend it. I am trying to put to words the way I feel cheated and hopeless.
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