Too much space

Space

It is honestly a very broad term. You go out in Space. You give someone space. You have a space. We need space. I am tired of “space”. I desperately want to be accepted again by my community. They want me to be done grieving. Otherwise it’s just depressing. I want to know, how a person can be involved in a “community” and yet feel so abandoned and alone. The more they isolate me, the more I want to isolate myself from their carefree and selfish lives. I feel that I have dropped hints over the last several weeks that I need them. From straight out telling people I feel abandoned to no longer showing up to groups that don’t reach out or even attempt to understand the situation. In my week or so of injury I had people reaching out to me. Funny that it takes getting hit by a physical object to get noticed. After I said I was doing better, I was left alone again. Here I am bitter, angry and ready to lash out at the world for something that can not be changed because it already happened. What gets me is that as I am trying to forgive a community that left me, I still feel they no longer care. What would it look like if I left that church? How much could my life improve if I found a community that understands that I need time and community. Not space. Space is what isolates us from the rest of the world. It traps us in the hurt and pain of our problems. We end up spending our time in this space dwelling on the pain; Stuck in the pain and unable to escape it. I want to escape it. I have dropped hints. I no longer know what to do. I have told several people how I feel and right now I think that it’s time I just leave. Threatening and thinking about leaving don’t change anything. Doing something, approaching the issue with a plan of action changes the outcome and outlook of a situation.

I want to be challenged in my walk with God. Not guilt for being angry with Him because He took my father. I don’t want to feel guilty for my feelings. If finding a more welcoming environment is what I need to do, then I will do it. Otherwise, I know that I will keep expecting something to change and have unmet expectations. I will constantly be let down by this community that “loves and values” me. That will only drive me further from where I need to be and where I need to go. If I don’t figure this out, it will start to affect my relationship with God more than it already has. I am already angry with Him, now I am questioning the community He placed around me. What gets me is that none of this seems to feel very real to me. I never thought I would question this community the way I am and it makes me question my part. Am I to blame for some of this? Why do people feel that not talking to me would benefit me? Why do they think that by ignoring my existence it will help with the process of grieving? Why?