All I want to do is have fun. I don’t necessarily know how to do that anymore. I want to be out but I find myself shut in. I hide in my room. I only come out for certain people that I really like or LOVE. But for the most part my life revolves around school and working on stuff in my room. I want to get out. I want to be normal again. How?
I want so desperately to go and throw a party or have friends dress up with me for something random. Despite the risk of panic attacks, I want to be crazy and surrounded by people. I just want out of this thing.
It gets worse when I revisit memories or physically go back to places. I can’t handle the weight of the hurt and pain. All I want to do is drop it, let it fall. But it doesn’t budge. I want it gone. I want to be normal… but at this point what is normal?
I find that is a question that I ask myself very often. I feel sick so much too. I am physically tired and my stomach hurts and I eat but it feels empty still. No matter what I do, the pain is there. In some form my body is resisting in letting it go.
I just want to let go…
I bought a necklace this weekend and it makes me realize a little of how I feel. It’s got a bird in a cage and right now I feel caged inside of all this emotion and unable to get out. I want out. I want to get away from that pain in some way but I know no way of getting away from it. I can change my location, my surroundings, I can even escape briefly through the pain of my past injuries, but never am I truly free.
Free… It’s more than just a word.
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